Losing the itch

IMG_2591For fourteen years I had it. Whether by choice or by nature of work I suppose I’ll never discern. Perhaps one merged into the other. But I’ve discovered that it’s disappeared.

I didn’t realize it disappeared until I had a taste of it again. I had spent two years fretting because my safety net wasn’t usable. But I used that forced confinement to learn – to learn to stay; to love; to find home; to learn contentment.

And then I renewed my safety net and finally had my passport in my new legal name. I was slightly giddy when I learned about the trip. I hadn’t been on another continent or country in four years. I’d barely been on a plane either.

Then I was there. Wandering on my own. Wishing my love was with me, or I was there. I forced myself to explore instead of hiding away in a room waiting for daylight to touch my home and the opportunity to talk to him.

And so I lost the travel bug. Yes, there is still so much to see, explore, learn…..but it does not grip me like before. I’ve been freed to find stability and love and family; to find contentment and happiness with where I am now; to find a life built together and how we want…..

…..and to travel together, not apart.

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A toast to a mother for International Womens Day

Today, International Womens Day, is not usually a holiday I particularly pay attention to, mainly because it’s not a day off! I didn’t remember about it until I was driving and it was mentioned on the radio. Instead, the thought of the morning was the time my mother told me about a question someone asked her: how she had raised three women who were focused on their careers instead of having families.

The funny part is that we grew up in a culture where having a family was honored and a good thing. For most of my sisters and me, I think that was something that we actually desired. God just had different plans in that we would find it later in life and would spend the most valuable years of our lives (when we’re able to do anything!) to focus on serving others with the freedom of singleness.

And we owe that strong and independent spirit, which was willing to not chase a desire and let it come naturally, to our amazing mother. She is a woman who models that same fierce spirit, yet with love, faith, and grace. She gave up a career to do something counter-cultural at the time – stay home with her kids and teach them herself. While this is more “popular” now-a-days, back then it was not and she caught some flak for it. Yet she was supported by our dad and she became a known name in the emerging homeschool community. (People knew us because of our mom. “Oh, you’re an Elam” was a common statement, an almost “Ohhhh that’s why…” – in the very good sense.)

What I love about my mom….ok, just one thing I love about her….is that she fostered in all of us a love of learning, creativity, and encouraged us to use our giftings and skills to make a difference. In pioneering, she created pioneers of us as well and gave us the ability to explore the world around us. There was never a moment that was not a “teachable moment,” even on vacation we were constantly learning – and we enjoyed it!

She is also the mom who was out climbing trees with us when we were playing hide-and-seek with friends. Both our parents would be out playing kick-the-can in the street with us and the neighborhood kids. We were the crazy family running outside in a downpour, grabbing whatever bucket we could to have a water fight in the pouring rain. Dad never passed up an opportunity to “make memories” it seemed!

Through all our experiences, and being allowed to be us and learn in our own ways (imagine teaching kids that each have a different learning style!), we all found careers that allowed us to explore and chase our dreams – a fighter pilot, a fashion designer, a world traveler, and a linguist. We may all be moving on from our first dream to find a second dream/career, but we still are choosing jobs that make a difference and are fun and challenging.

Eventually, my sisters and I also found strong men who could put up with strong and independent women, because we were also filled with grace. I’d say we were also filled with a side of crazy, but I’ve been told that we’re definitely not crazy and some of the most non-drama women ever. Maybe we just found “our kind of crazy” men! We learned not to settle, not to fill that longing with a relationship but with God, and in the end we found some pretty amazing men.

PC: Sweet Lighting Photography, Chen Wang http://www.sweetlightingphoto.com

My sisters and I are all that we are, who we are, as strong and fierce as we are, all with a side of faith, love, and grace because of one amazing and fierce woman of faith (who was backed by a pretty amazing man).

So, mom, to you I raise a glass and salute you! I rise up and call you “blessed.” Thank you for being an amazing example to whom I can look and follow, to whom others can look and follow.

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Keto results after 2.5 months

Well, we’ve finished our tenth week of Keto and we decided to seriously contemplate the continuation of it. We’ve both experienced some odd dizziness and being stopped up. Then we looked at our month one and month two results. After loosing eight pounds (me), it took me a month and a half to slowly loose 3.4 pounds and that was with counting calories and cutting back. All the inches the second month were comparable with the first.

So, total, I’ve lost 11.4 pounds, 1.5 inches in the waist, 2 inches in my hips, and 2 inches in my belly. While I’m pleased with the results, the negative effects of the diet and slow results lead me to believe that continuing to cut calories and leaving out sugar will work just as well.

I don’t think the high-fat only diet works well for me. I also miss fruit like crazy! We’re going to start adding things back in to see what might be irritating and causing the pain and inflammation I deal with. However, we’ve both decided to keep sugar out of our diets. It’s insidious and sneaky – in food and health negatives!

Up next? Reading “Trim Healthy Mama” to see if it has any tips and what it’s about.

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One month of Keto – what we’ve seen so far

Today is the fifth week of the ketogenic diet that the husband and I started. Our pantry is bare of any grains and sugars and non-diet stuff and our fridge is full of veggies and non-sugar stuffs. We did our one month weigh-in and measurements and discovered that he’s down 9 pounds, 3 inches in the waist and 1.5 inches in the belly. I’m down 8 pounds, 1.5 inches in the waist and .5 inch in the belly. His blood pressure has also dropped about 11 points.

So, you ask, how has it been? Well, it actually has not been too hard. We’ve learned to add in more salads for fibers and greens; to meal plan well so we always know what the next meal is to avoid cheating; and that coffee with heavy cream in it is amazing! Especially if it’s direct-from-Ethiopia coffee….my former roommate has successfully converted my non-coffee drinking husband into a coffee lover!

I think some of the amazing benefits of Keto that we’ve seen are different for my husband and for me. Since he’s been off sugar and grains I’ve noticed that his snoring at night has gone down in level so that I can sleep without earplugs! Those are the two biggies to me. 🙂

For myself, I’ve noticed a drop in my pain levels. When I moved to Texas, the chiropractor I found diagnosed me with a 80% chance of having Fibromyalgia (FMS). While I have flare ups that are painful during the day, I’ve noticed that I often wake up in the morning with an aching, painful back. I added an extra egg-crate to my side of the bed to try to help…which my husband doesn’t like. Since the diet started, I’ve woken up each morning without that pain! Cutting out inflammatory causing foods like sugar seems to have made a huge difference! I knew about inflammation causing foods, but apparently sugar (and maybe grains) is a big one and I just didn’t want to avoid it.

Speaking of sugar, do you know how it’s in almost every food item you can find?! We finally found Pederson’s bacon and Bolthouse salad dressings that have no sugar. I’m definitely learning to read labels even more than when we went through Whole30.

The biggest thing we both are missing is fruit. We can have limited amounts of berries, but have to avoid the larger sized fruits as they have more fructose and carbs. However, we’ve learned about which sugars we can use (Swerve [Erithrytol] and Pyure [Stevia] are the top for tastes) and how to make “fat bombs” to help our sweet cravings and our macros (fat/carbs/proteins).

So one month down, probably another 2 for me and another 4 for him. Will keep you updated! Let me know any tricks or tips you’ve learned from dieting…or transitioning off a diet.


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New year, new me?

My husband sees the first of the year as the perfect time to start a lifestyle change. Mainly because who can start, and keep, a diet over the holidays? While I influenced him to try the Whole30 a year ago (it successfully reset his system), he’s needed something else for longer weight loss. I could stand to use a few pounds as well since moving to Texas and getting married might have added to my belly.

After researching and hearing about different diets, he decided to start the Keto diet. Quick gist is that it’s a high fat, mid-protein, and low carb diet with carbs coming from veggies and nothing else. I’ve since learned that those three areas are called macros and we’ve been aiming for a 60/30/10 ratio with carbs in the 30 gram range.

Man alive, a diet is one thing (cutting calories and carbs), but we’re trying to get our body to change from using sugar and carbs for energy, which ends up with insulin highs and lows, to using fat for energy to create a steady energy level with no spikes. We’ve cut out a lot of things, including sugars, but I’ve refused to give up my NingXia Red (Young Living supplement) as I know I need to make sure I still get nutrients and it packs a punch!

After one week, I’ve actually been pretty impressed with how well we’ve done! I’ve been using the MyFitnessPal app to track my food and I’ve maintained the right macro percentages, although my carbs from veggies are more in the 60 gram range. I’ve also learned how to make high fat energy bites, or “fat bombs”, to help us when we need a boost. We both are going longer, with less snacking, and feeling satisfied from our meals by the end of this first week. Brain fog has been a real thing, as well as feeling tired as our bodies switch over, but that is getting better. Still struggling with good sleep and I’m hoping that gets better.

For those who are curious, here’s what my meals and snacks might look like.


  • Two spinach egg cups (one with chorizo and one with veggies)
  • 1 oz. NingXia Red
  • Tea with Half&Half and liquid Stevia


  • Leftovers of some sort.
  • 1/8-1/4 cup berries


  • Spaghetti squash chicken Alfredo with Green beans
  • OR: Romaine salad with grilled chicken, a few toppings, cheese, and a sugar free dressing (Bolthouse has a few)
  • OR: Salmon with bacon wrapped asparagus


  • Almonds
  • Bacon cheddar cheese balls with Keto cheese crackers or Keto bread
  • Coconut peppermint fat bombs (for the sweet tooth!)
  • Cheese
  • Tea with Half&Half and stevia
  • Half a Bai drink (for electrolytes)

We’ve been eating a lot of cheese because it’s easy high fat, low carb snacks. We’re still working on finding more options for snacks and sweets, but we’ve both survived. Pretty good considering the hubby has a worse sweet tooth than I do!

I’ve also started back into light yoga three times a week to work on strengthening my back. I can’t overdo it due to FMS and back issues so staying light on exercise as I build up the capacity.

The good news? We’ve both lost several pounds since the first! (see my progress from the app screenshot on the right) Whether that’s because of cutting out sugars or it’s water weight, I’ll take it! Either way, we’re feeling better and I think this might stick. Not sure if the “carb-flu” has hit us or not, but we’re getting a handle on this.

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StitchFix trial

I hate shopping. The time, guessing at what size I am in that brand, hunting for deals, etc…That’s why I stick with jeans and t-shirts if at all possible. However, I work in an executive office and I’ve been really needing some new work blouses. Because I’m always dissatisfied by what I find when I go shopping and my little sister has loved her StitchFix boxes, I decided to give it a go.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize to ask her for a referral link so she didn’t get credit for it. Oops. But I did take her advice and fill in each box, even giving my measurements, and providing my would-be stylist with as much information as I could. I also updated my Pinterest fashion page and gave them that link (you can do that!).

I was a little anxious that this wouldn’t go well as I tend to be petite, yet with shapes that aren’t so common in petite women based on the clothes I’ve tried. Apparently more hour-glass figures are not typical petite figures.

Today the box arrived and I broke into it. Quite nice packing and they even give you a card with suggested outfit parings for each piece. This box was tops only as I requested.

I have to admit, it was very much like opening a box that someone picked for me with a little bit of a “just try this” feel. Much like when I shop with my older sister. She’s definitely the human version of a personalized StitchFix box!

Style Impressions – they took a lot of what I like in colors and styles and found a great selection. A+

Fit Thoughts – this varied a bit, but for me not trying them on, they did a heck of a job. The only issue was that I had mentioned deep v-necks not being my favorite as they tend to be too deep on me. There were two shirts with v-necks with the typical “gotta wear a tank top underneath” fit. However, the styles were awesome. There is an exchange option, but the fit was so close I doubt a different size would work.

Price – I love a good deal and these are all in the $50 range, which I would normally not buy at that price. However, they do have a 25% off if you purchase all 5 items and the $20 styling fee for each box is a credit toward whatever you buy. Basically, if I only picked my 3 favorites, I could get the final two for just an additional $15. That makes each item around $35 which is more in the manageable range.

I would definitely do this again and I’m 99% sure that I will keep all 5 items. I have 3 days to decide. Oh! And you can leave feedback on each item for fit/style/price/quality/size as well as comments to help them personalize a box next time.

However, I am curious if there are other companies out there that are similar and to try and see what the difference is.

If you want to try it, you can use my referral code https://stitchfix.com/referral/14549748?sod=r

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Things I’m learning from my dog

In September a co-worker walked through my office with a “needs a good home” flyer for a very cute puppy. That should have been a warning – she sniffed me out. The pup was definitely cute and was described as a “sweetie.” I needed some puppy time, so I went to play with it. Honest, that was all I was going to do.

That same day found me, pup in arm, wandering the aisles at PetSmart to find the new dog owner necessities – leash, collar, food bowls, food, toys….Yes, I had done my research on what a dog cost, found a bunch of coupons, reworked my budget, got the appropriate permission, and picked him up that very afternoon after playing with him in the morning. Who can resist a cute, well-tempered puppy that needs to be rescued? Not I!

I used to wonder at moms who could tell their kid needed to go to the bathroom simply by looking at them or some weird maternal clock. Apparently it happens to dog owners too. I can tell from his antics that he needs to go out and I know the schedule for his bowel movements. Never in my life had I expected to remember that, can’t keep track of it for myself!

Routine is necessary. It will be stuck to no matter how you feel. The pup will wake you up at 7am on the weekend because that’s when you wake up all the other days, of course. Dog parks are awesome for that. Take them, let them play, run off all the energy, and then they come home and crash – all by 10am! I have never had so much time on the weekend to get my cleaning and cooking and projects done.

Dogs go through phases just like kids do. Mine went from cute puppy “I want to learn!” to obstinate 2 year old “I am ignoring you; I have no idea what you mean.” I also know less about training than I thought I did. And I cannot keep a straight face when what he’s doing is wrong but makes me laugh. He’s also probably the one dog that doesn’t get super excited about going outside and will sometimes run the opposite way to grab a toy when it’s time to go outside.

I now have the most adorable alarm clock in the morning. He started with sleeping in his crate during potty training, but once that was done (2 weeks!) he got to sleep outside of it. Eventually, that became my bed as he’ll quit making a racket if he can see me and sleep on top of me….or steal my pillow. Seriously, what’s cuter than a pup that curls up on half your pillow and rests his head on yours? Or in the morning, nudging you awake a few minutes before the alarm actually goes off? Half the time I can’t remember if I helped him up in the middle of the night or if he got up there himself (he can jump now!).

Right before I got the pup I had purchased a Misfit tracker ($20 on Amazon!) to track my activity and sleep. I definitely get more activity with him around, although my sleep isn’t so great as he wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes having to pee. I have also gotten to know a bunch of my neighbors because I’m outside now. The kids love him and I’ll hear from across the parking lot, “Is that Rocket? I miss you, Rocket!” My dog has a bigger fan following than I do!

While he’s a small thing, he has greatly relieved my struggles with feeling safe. He may be happy to meet almost everyone around him, but there are still some people of whom he’s wary. He has sensitive ears that perk up at sounds that go “thump” in the night and I definitely am more calm when I’m alone in the apartment when he’s around.

The timing was not what I was planning on, but the pup has been a perfect addition to my little family. And while yoga may be more difficult with him around there are certainly plenty of laughs to make up for it.

Here’s to rescues and abandoned animals finding new, loving homes!

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Making Records: of the not-so-good kind

I’ve taken quite a break from blogging as I’ve moved and have focused on settling into life and work and school. Learning from last summer, I’ve been working on balance – which means less writing for the moment. However, I thought I’d check in with my “record-breaking” news. Unfortunately, not of the good kind.

I have Mononucleosis, a.k.a. Mono. While most of the world contracts mono in their teens-twenties, I made my doctor’s record for being the oldest person she has diagnosed with mono – at age 33.

As unhappy of a diagnosis as it is, I’m grateful to know what-in-the-world is going on with my body. Oh, and I’ve also made it into the rare 5% of people who end up with a mono rash as of yesterday. Hurray!?

Technically, I’m starting my second week of mono since diagnosis but I’m on my third week since symptoms have appeared. It started with a painful neck that I thought was muscle pain, until a swollen lymph node appeared the next day. The following day I had “electric skin” and the slightest brush felt painful. Five days after the first symptom I ended up with a fever for two days and out of work for most of the week. The first doctor thought I had a sinus and ear infection, but when I wasn’t getting better (yes, I cried and called Doctor Mom) I ended up at a CareNow clinic. Finally diagnosed, the doctor gave me a steroid shot to help with the worst symptoms.

Researching mono can be a discouragement as the length of time to get over it is 4-8 weeks, but then the virus stays active/somewhat contagious in your system for up to 18 months later. Plus, you’ll always have the EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) in your system so you could contract it again and you’re a carrier. Bodily fluids (saliva, sneezing, etc…) are the main way it’s passed on, and no, I didn’t get it from kissing as the boyfriend has never had it. Which means who knows how I actually contracted it (plane flight, grocery store,…?…). Also, for your information, it takes 4-6 weeks for symptoms to show up and get a diagnosis so you’re actually the most contagious when you don’t realize you have mono. Sorry to everyone I might have passed it on to.

Fighting mono basically means rest and lots of fluids. I’ve been scolded multiple times by people for not resting enough, but I’ve already spent one week in bed and I can’t handle more rest! I am working on resting more and have left work early several days. I also work from home on days I have new symptoms, like Friday when the mono rash appeared.

The weird part about mono is that I’m rarely hungry so I’ve already lost 2 pounds. I have to eat small meals, and if I’m craving something (like Sonic cherry limeade and tater-tots) I indulge as it means I’ll actually eat something! Part of the reason for this is your spleen (and liver) can enlarge which pushes on your stomach. No contact sports for me – ha! that’s the one easy thing to avoid in all of this.

One thing that seems to come up for natural “remedies” for mono is the intake of coconut oil. Apparently the folic acid in coconut oil helps you recover faster so I’ve been putting 2 tablespoons of coconut oil in a smoothie every morning. My advice: don’t put it in yogurt as it turns chunky and don’t eat it plain as you’ll gag. Truth. Smoothie is best! It seems to help as I’ve felt much better this week (week one of diagnosis and coconut oil) and physically have more energy.

If you want to know more about Juice Plus I can connect you with those who can help

If you want to know more about Juice Plus I can connect you with those who can help

This week I’m adding the Juice Plus trio (berries, vegetables, and fruit) to my regimen as those finally came in. Since I’m not eating as much, I’m not getting as many nutrients as I need so being able to get them via Juice Plus is a benefit.

I’ve already been drinking lemon water to help with the liver and spleen function thanks to Young Living essential oils. Hopefully next week I can start on NingXia Red (waiting on delivery) as that has helped me tremendously in the past when I’m low energy and in transition, or sick.

If you want to know more about essential oils, let me know and I can connect you.

If you want to know more about essential oils, let me know and I can connect you.

The good news is that week three is apparently when lymph nodes start reducing; which has held true as the one in my neck has reduced in size, which means less of a “sore” throat.

The hard part in all of this is trying to keep others, like my roommate, from getting it. So, I have a separate sponge for washing dishes and ALL my dishes go in the dishwasher to be decontaminated. Thankfully, I already used my own coffee mug, silverware, and dishes at the office so all I had to do was toss the community sponge I had used for washing them.

Well, now you know more about mono and symptoms as well as why I’ve been quiet of late. At least I’ve done some “record-breaking” to make life more interesting.

*Sigh* I’m really starting to like the idea of a quiet, uneventful life – it only took thirty years.

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Materialism and the Missionary Complex

As I prepare to move to another state and am slowly packing boxes, I am amazed at all the “stuff” I have. My mom put it best when she asked me the other day “You used to be able to pack your life into two suitcases. What happened?” As I stand back and look at my things, I realize that a lot of it holds memories for me – of friends, places visited, things I’ve collected to remind me of ‘that one time’… And some of the items are from my missionary complex of “it’s still good” or “it is/was free” or “it’s not that much out of style” or “it might be useful in the future, etc…

Before I move somewhere I purge my belongings. Coming back to the US, I purge again as I bring some new things with me, and a lot of things are now out of date or have lost their temporary sentimental value. Yet I still feel like I have a lot of “stuff” in my childhood bedroom that holds all that I own. Some people may think that a 33-year-old fitting all her earthly possessions in a small bedroom is pretty impressive, yet despite having saved items for that “one day I’ll have my own house”, I still wish I could downsize.

Some things I just can’t get rid of, such as my 435+ book collection, and before you ask – yes, I do have an e-reader (and I’m not counting the e-books). If you’re a book nerd (aka book dragon) you understand! I’m packing about 70+ books to take with me this time compared to the one physical book I allow myself to pack when moving overseas. 🙂

As I ponder through the “why” – Why can’t I move with just a little? Why do I have this amount of stuff? Why do I hang on to this or that? – I think part of it goes into a materialistic way of having roots. By having these things I have something that I come back to when I’m returning from overseas, because I don’t have a place that’s “mine” or a family with whom to return. When I have to say goodbye to so many dear friends, taking a material gift or remembrance of them (or their country) helps me process and later remember them. Sometimes I think it’s the “that could be useful in the future” and the creative repurposing overseas mentality which gets me in trouble. And honestly? I think sometimes the constant getting rid of possessions and packing to the barest of minimums makes me unreasonably cling to things that should have long ago been let go.

As the Tiny House Movement has swept through the country, I find it resonating with me. A place that’s permanent, small, and can be all my own while having the freedom to up and move. Granted, part of that is scary considering I need roots and not the mobility it offers! But the simplistic, minimalistic lifestyle it offers as well as having a home to call all my own is something that part of me craves.

Watching an episode of Tiny House Nation is what brought on my most recent closet purge (as well as this post). The show helps me to evaluate what is necessary, what is sentimental, and how can I creatively reduce what I have or minimize the bulk.

What are the tips and tricks you’ve found to help you reduce your possessions and let go? What are the “must haves” you always move with?

Posted in Life Lessons, Missions | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Breaking the Silence

This isn’t an easy post to write, and it’s been siting in “draft” for a while – both in my head and on my blog. Some people have heard bits and pieces of this story, some people have been trusted with the depths, but I’ve not openly shared the depth and pain of the journey that God has taken me on as He’s brought me through the desert over the last year or so.

Perhaps the background to this post should be Hillsong’s “Thank you Jesus” which was sung in my church recently and promoted the overflowing grace to break open my heart and let you see inside it.

Last month was the first time I opened up and shared about my journey in front of a group. When I was praying about what topic to share about with the ladies, God prompted me with the word “Rest.” I laughed (a somewhat terrified laugh) as I knew I was being asked to be open, real, and honest. This journey towards rest that God has taken me on has included breaking me in many ways, but has brought me to a place of being held in my Heavenly Father’s arms, resting in peace and comfort. So here we go….

My breaking point from cultural stresses, daily sexual harassment, loneliness, constant travel, and a lack of deep community came the end of 2014. I found myself curled up on my bed, sobbing, trying to keep myself from packing my bags at 1am to take a taxi to the airport and get on a plane to the USA. Burnout had hit me HARD. It took a lot of counseling, advice, and wrestling before I could admit that I needed to return to the US and reevaluate where I needed to serve (which God confirmed by changing visa laws –  AFTER I made the decision).

That, dear Readers, is the starting point of this journey of rest. I won’t go into all the details, but I want to share three areas in which I’ve been learning to rest.

The first area is Spiritual Rest. Having spent so much time away from the church I attended in Ethiopia (which I barely understood as it was) meant I didn’t have restful Sabbaths often. So I would download podcasts when I was out of country (when I had reliable-ish internet) and would sit and listen to my church’s podcasts on Sundays, playing my music as I just sat on my bed, trying to connect with God. But He still felt distant.

When I returned to the US – thinking I was only staying three months – I decided to drive an hour to what I considered my home church. I found myself burnt out, wrung out, and poured out with nothing left to give, so I slipped into church most Sundays while refusing to serve and fought the guilt of that. I spent months in “hibernation”, not able to draw up the emotional energy to be around people. My devotional time consisted of a simple devotional book I had found as reading Scripture just sent me into crying fits. Or, I would sit on my bed with songs I had picked out for my “Sweetly Broken” playlist, imagining myself curled up in God’s arms, and crying.

But in all that pain, doing minimal other than showing up in church, listening to music, and sometimes reading, I found God’s comfort and healing. Taking away the guilt I had for not serving, He helped me see it was my time to be served – something I never really allow myself to receive. He had me stumble upon a book called “The Contrarian’s Guide to Knowing God” by Larry Osborne. I discover that spiritual disciplines are like tools in a toolbox – and at that moment I needed worship more than anything else. Ultimately, I learned that what I was able to give was a sweet-smelling aroma to Him; that I could rest in His provision and comfort and find the rest and peace I needed.

Secondly, I learned about Physical Rest. Our 2 a.m. water runs to fill our multiple water barrels in order for us to have water until the next time it came back on were exhausting. The constant travel never allowed me to establish an exercise routine to continue to strengthen my back. I had had a car accident six months before leaving for Africa and then another one two months after returning. Chronic pain was just “a part of life.”

My sabbatical was in part medical leave as I struggled to get out of bed each morning, sometimes not succeeding until the afternoon. I remember the day I was so excited that my shuffling was fast enough to keep pace with a 14-year-old dog! God blessed me with a Christian chiropractor who worked with me to find healing. I also learned it was okay to move slow, take naps, and rest. I struggled past the guilt and found it was okay to let my body dictate my needs. I learned to say “no” to things I was asked to do, or even wanted to do, but knew that it would create further damage. I learned to let go of my pride and let others help me.

Perhaps the hardest to learn about was Emotional Rest. Admitting you regularly saw a counselor seems like it’s a “taboo” within Christian culture but it is such an amazing resource to allow God to work through someone else to help you find healing and wrestle through issues. There is no way I would have been able to work through my anxiety and PTSD and loneliness and everything else without my counselors. I find myself ever so grateful that Wycliffe provides licensed counselors for us who have walked the same paths we have as missionaries. My counselor in the US understood from personal experience what unexpected leaving felt like and could understand what the daily stripping of dignity and safety due to sexual harassment did to one’s self.

But it’s not just the counselors, but my family, my Wycliffe mom, and my prayer team (though they didn’t know it) who were also lifting up my arms like Aaron and Hur. It was the understanding of people who would answer questions for me, at the same time speaking life into me, as I was asked questions about what life held for me in the US and what was I going to be doing. The trips to spend weeks with my siblings and a trip with my LifeGroup to just “be” brought peace to my soul as I laughed, read, sat outside, and had no pressures or expectations placed on me. I started to find life again, to enjoy being around people and finding the energy to initiate.

Then one Sunday, during an altar call, I went up front to just pray and release all my worries about what I was supposed to be doing next even while knowing I wasn’t 100% but on the path to wholeness. There, on my knees, one of my pastors’ wives found me and prayed healing over me. Words fail me to describe the physical and spiritual presence felt, but God broke chains and released me from my negativity and brought healing and peace, while finding myself able to trust and rest wholly in Him.

So I’ve learned over this journey that it’s ok to be selfish and take the time needed to heal and rest. Most importantly, I’ve learned how NOT to serve; to identify what my needs are in order to effectively serve others. I need community, less travel, balance, and safety. I’ve learned to set boundaries – something most people proclaim is good, but do not enforce and often try to step on your own if they don’t align with their own.

And here concludes this telling of a painful (literally and metaphorically) journey as I am stepping into a new season. A season of resting in God Almighty while going on an adventure with Him, because He is in control; He is guiding; and He is continuing to heal.

So I ask you – In what ways do you need to rest? In what ways do you need to relearn how to serve others? What boundaries are lacking in your own life? And how is Almighty God brining you into rest and communion with Him?

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