I was flipping through my quote journal and came across this piece I wrote four months after returning to the US in 2009. I’m a verbal processor and sometimes that comes out through writing – this starts quite raw and ends in peace. For some reason, I’m ok with letting you peak into my heart a little….the heart that many who have experience reverse culture shock probably share…To those who know my story this will make sense; to those who don’t, well, it’s a glimpse.

Tears tug at my eyes

telling me I’m hurting

Pushed back once again

I ignore

Ignore – longings, sadness

a chapter finished

Inside I feel the waterfall of emotions

cascading, tumbling, whirling

Push it down, ignore, hide

and I do

I listen to the part of me that is numb

it’s easier and less painful

Something tells me life isn’t like this

but life is floundering

Lost, not fitting in

strangeness, foreign emotions

It’s where I grew up and was raised

Why is it so foreign?

I long for my heart to be free

for mi corazón latino que palpite una vez más

Dios mío ¿Dónde estoy?

Ajeno todo ajeno

I lie to myself

I’m fine, I’m adjusting

But the heart speaks the truth

whispers of what once was

Who changed? Me? Them?

The truth? Both

A wanderer’s heart I have

but a need to belong

Contradictions reign in my life

but one truth remains

I am a child of the King

I belong to Him

La Roca eterna, mi fortaleza

strength and protection He gives

While I walk the paths of life

tumble through streams of emotion

Jump in field of joy

cry in canyons of loneliness

He holds me tight

with Him and to Him I fly

En alas de alabanza vuelo

sola, anhelando a mi Salvador

Few understand, few see

behind a mask, crookedly placed

Those who understand

they KNOW and SEE

Comfort? En brazos cariñosos

de Nuestro Padre

Those who walked where I now tread

know and have passed and lived

For us there is a word – family

not of blood yet by One’s blood we became

Owned, purchased, bought

We belong to a heavenly realm

We do not change our path

it is unknown but desired

We are nomads

and our tents go up and down

Stakes are placed and pulled up

some left where we placed them

We are our own culture

we are children of the King

We are missionaries

“Go” He said

Obedient through all

trusting in the Truth

“Go” the call rings strong

bags packed, eyes ahead

One foot steps

then the other follows

The path is lighted

familiar, yet not

Hand in hand we walk

Jesus our guide

To the lost, the hurting, prideful

humbly serving, deeply loving

Who are we?

normal people with a heavenly dream

Pilgrims in a foreign land

sharing the way, the hope, the dream