Sometimes, it seems that life is just crashing around you. You try to move forward but find a door slammed shut. Frustration sets in as you’re just not sure what to do because every effort to move forward is thwarted. I suppose most people stop to listen and figure it out before this point, but I do have a stubborn streak – especially when it involves leaving people I care about.
One would think I’d have learned my lesson by now, but sometimes letting go feels like quitting to me – and I hate quitting. So my nice new-to-me car got a hard smack and ended up at the repair shop (for once my car is not totaled!) while I ended up back in chiropractic care where each visit sounds like the Rice Crispies cereal. All this made me realize there was no way I was going on 30 hour flights when an hour car ride would cause my back to spasm. So, I learned to listen and do what’s best for all – I stepped down from my role…and into a sabbatical.
After ten years with the organization (and being involved in ministry since I was little), it’s a well-earned and much-needed rest. There’s just one problem – I don’t know how to rest! When one is raised to do and to serve how does one just be? That is my quest over the next several months. Learning what shabbat means – to rest, to cease from doing.
As I come to your mind, please pray for me in this time. I sincerely desire to reconnect with God on new levels and draw deeper into him. Spending two years with (basically) no church has been wearying and this warrior needs to rest awhile. (Twila Paris’ song The Warrior is a Child is very accurate to how I feel right now).
I will also continue to process and work through cultural stresses, “boxes” I lived in, PTSD symptoms I have (re-learning to not feel like I’m a target is hard), and general burnout from an extraordinary amount of travel. What I consider “normal” is definitely not and I’m trying to learn how to have healthy habits.
So here’s to living in limbo and being “home-less” while, and at the same time very much needing stability in my life right now. Thankfully God’s in control, I have an awesome church, and have lots of friends who love me.